Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Frustrations

When I picked the girls up from school yesterday, Ashley had a note on her sheet that she had become aggressive towards another boy in her class and pushed him. I talked to the teacher about it, and she said that Ashley had indeed pushed a child and it was very out of character for her.

When we got in the van, I asked Ashley who she pushed. She named the child who Ray and I both know gets in trouble in class all.the.time. He is one of those kids that gets dropped off when the center opens, and is there until almost closing time. I have witnessed numerous occasions just in the few minutes I am in there a day where he is getting in trouble. We have also been around him and his parents in a social setting, and they are extremely strict and not as loving. I am not saying they don't love their child, it just seemed as if hugs and kisses weren't the norm in their house.

Ashley told me he was teasing her and she didn't make a good choice. They teach the kids at her school to "make good choices" and to choose to walk away when a kid makes you mad or frustrated or whatever. We also told Ashley to let whoever is making her mad know that they made her mad and she wouldn't play with them. Ray wanted to teach Ashley to say "Whatever", but then that might be construed as teasing as well (although funny).

So we are hoping she takes after Ray and just reached a breaking point with this kid and lashed out. It's hard, you want your kids to stand up for themselves, but to teach a three year old to stand up for themselves when they have been pushed or teased by talking and not pushing or teasing back is hard.

25 comments:

Kellie said...

Poor Ashley--resorted to pushing because some little punk kid pushed her to the edge. I'm sure it's hard to teach her to stand up for herself....I'm taking notes on this situation so I know what to do when Morgan is 3.

Wendy said...

As a preschool teacher we were always tempted to let the "good" kids give it to the bad ones:O)LOL! Of course we never allowed it but I feel your frustration!

Happy Working Mom said...

I completely understand, and we are kind of dealing with this same issue with our sitter right now. It is so hard for me not to tell my daughter to just hit her back. I'm so bad. Of course I tell her to just walk away and go and tell the babysitter about it.

Sunshine said...

We've been down this path as well, as our kids are all somewhat on the small side.
It's a hard balance to strike, where we tell them to treat everyone fairly and be nice to everyone, even if they don't deserve it. The girls are preschoolers, so we haven't dealt with it much yet, but my boys are older and sometimes, in my heart, I wish my 5th grader who is about the smallest kid in his class, would wind up and pop a bully in the nose! Thankfully, there's only a couple times a year he gets "bullied" but it still sucks to think your child is hurt or feels like they need to defend themselves, especially when school should be fun.

Anvilcloud said...

Good luck on this, and don't fret too much because it's asking a lot for a three-year-old to sort this out.

ktjrdn said...

Sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. The teachers have told her not to, and she probably won't do it again. Until next time. But as long as it's not a habit, I'd say she did great. She knows she didn't make a good choice, and she knows that the kid wasn't doing the right thing in the first place. She's on her awy to figuring the reast out.

Good for you for talking it all out with her instead of just hearing the teachers simplified version.

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah yes. And the "good" kid always gets caught!

We had a bit of an issue with Hollis too. His daycare nemesis pushed him to the edge and he bit him. Our sitter said she punished H but that she was secretly cheering b/c the bite actually did stop the torment.

Julie said...

That is so hard. We go thru the same thing here with Abby. On one hand you want your kid to stick up for themselves and on the other hand, using your words/making a good choice doesn't always stop the teasing/problem. Also, we don't want to breed a tattle tale so telling Abby to go to the teacher all the time doesn't seem to be the answer either. I think kids do have to learn to work out their differences but obviously not use harm on one another to make that happen (not that Ashley harmed this kid). Sounds like Ashley has made good choices in the past and that she just had more of that kid than she could take. I bet that kid doesn't bother her again though! : )

CPA Mom said...

We have the same issues with Tigger. There are a few very aggressive kids in his school and he just pushes back but they both get punished. Since he is delayed, it's hard for me to tell what I say is getting through to him but I keep saying "Use your words" "tell your teacher" because he tends to do the same at home when his sister picks on him. I do secretly cheer for him when he stands up to the bullying at school though.

Christine said...

Learning to walk away and express their feelings is alot for a 3yo, but a good learning experience.
Then I would say Good for Ashley, for standing up for herself.

This happens at our house,between my children, and learning to treat each other with respect, it is a hard thing to teach.
~Christine
www.arewethereyetmom.com

That Chick Over There said...

That is something that is so hard for me too, because my son gets really picked on. I mean, how much am I supposed to let him take? You know? And he always is the one who gets "caught". Bless his heart. There is just no good answer.

Emma in Canada said...

Bullying at 3? The thing is, that kid will probably always be a bully. What is the school doing about it? What are his parents doing?

My husband is an advocate of hit back, whereas I say the second one is the one who gets caught. My son has been bullied, he did fight back and it did stop so maybe my husband is right.

Not for 3 years olds of course!

Kelly M said...

COmpletely understand where your coming from! It's a hard lesson to teach a three year old. I would say she is fine unless it becomes the norm..which I highly doubt it will...I'm sure the teacher (or should I say--I HOPE) the teacher understands the entire situation as it went down..and punished the other boy as well.

Rachel said...

Poor Ashley! She should've decked that kid! Just kidding. It is hard to teach kids how to deal with someone that makes them mad or angry. But, it's great that Ashley realized afterwards that she should have handled it differently. That's great since she's just 3! Smart girl, that Ashley.

PortraitofPeter said...

I sincerely hope you will find the solution, to what is a distasteful situation.

Extremely unpleasant for your daughter.

Vicki said...

I am off to school to pick up kids from... okay well I only have a minute.

I think that we should encourage our children to "just walk away" but then we have to allow them to SPEAK THEIR MIND and SHOW HOW THEY FEEL with WORDS and maybe sometimes actions, however I'm afraid if we say they can't show with actions ever then it builds up and begins to be what we see now with school shootings..

i ahve more to say but am out of time. -=)

SJ said...

This is a very familiar situation for me, I live it daily. At home and at daycare. It's really tough to find the right balance - but I always tell Keven Jr. to use his words and be verbal to the offender. You know, if a kid is hitting him, then I tell him to tell the kid to stop hitting him. And when all else fails, I tell him to tell his teacher.

Isaac on the other hand? He takes care of himself!

my4kids said...

Poor Ashley! I hate bullies and I think even 3 year olds can be bullies. Maybe now that she pushed him he will leave her alone? I know fighting isn't the way you want her to go especially at 3 but maybe he'll learn a lesson. Or hopefully the teachers would pay more attention to his bullying.

Beccy said...

Poor Ashley. I taught my eldest to say something back, I think 'whatever' is fine and as they older they get more clever. My youngest has the gut reaction to hit back and it isn't easy to stop him.

EC said...

That is definitely a dilema for sure!! It is hard at any age, and although pushing isn't the answer, what else can you do really, but hope she makes the right choice next time.

Working Mom said...

As bad as this sounds, I secretly love it when Bug stands up to the bullies at school. Of course I tell her that she shouldn't touch another child like that and she should tell the teacher, but it's nice to know she's standing up for herself at the same time!

la bellina mammina said...

Hope you'll be able to find a solution. I pity the boy too, obviously he is crying for attention. Maybe the school should talk to his parents about this?

Lost A Sock said...

Ohh this is a tough one. We've treaded these waters ourselves. It's hard to know what to do. Poor Ashley. That kid probably deserved it.

mjd said...

You are so right. That is a difficult path to follow. As a middle school teacher, I see the same thing. After a fight, parents will tell us how they have instructed their child to fight back. Still slowly, we see some children able to walk away, and some children restrain others not to fight. The fact that Ashley was able to recognize that she did not make a "good chioce" is promising. Interesting point about Ray's parents being extremely strict. Maybe being too strict cheats children of making any choices so they never learn to make good choices.

Heather said...

It's definitely a fine line between defending ones self, and just being mean. I find this particularly true with girls, at least in my experience. I want my daughter to be strong and stand up for herself, but I don't want her to be mean!